Warning : this post contains graphic bathroom descriptions. You have been warned!

T – Well I woke up next to a very pale, very tired and very sweaty Chantelle this morning. She was feeling a little better and we cautiously started to pack up and prepare to head back to Antigua. About halfway through packing Chantelle had to rush off for the toilet again and then basically collapsed back into bed and passed out sound asleep. I decided that we might just stay another night! That wasn’t a hard decision to make. The room was nice, the internet was strong and the pool outside was gorgeous, and it was really quite cheap for Guatemala, which we are finding to be a very expensive place in comparison to Mexico.

I snuck out for breakfast thinking that if I could put some stodgey type food in my tummy that it may help to settle the gurgling and bubbling that I could feel. I laid into a massive order of pancakes with fruit and jam and a huge glass of lemonade. I felt full and a little better.

About an hour later it all went pear shaped. While Chantelle slept the day away I was constantly running for the toilet. My tummy was very unhappy.

I want to share with you the fun little experience of this, what we have coined the Guate Squat. If you get a queasy stomach then this is your chance to stop reading!

I lay there in bed, my stomach curling into large hot knots, uh oh it was time to race for the toilet, again. I had barely got my pants down to my knees and sat down when the nastiness inside me came screaming out like liquid death. I clenched my teeth and braced with my hands against the wall as hot lava, smoke and steam poured out of my tortured bottom. Then the worst part, the stench seeped up through every gap between my flesh and the plastic seat of the dunny. I tried to squish my buttocks harder down into the seat to create a smell proof seal, but to no avail.

As the stench hit my nostrils, a smell akin to that of rotting whales wrapped in old seaweed, my stomach heaved and rolled and my breakfast threatened to escape the way it went in. But there was no way I was going to put my head into a bowl full of toxic waste. I flailed around behind me with one arm, searching for the flush button. Eventually I managed to push it down and then instantly regretted it. By staying sat on the toilet the splash back pounded upwards and coated my behind in the terrible nastiness that lay in the bowl. Ugh. This couldn’t get any worse!

After using half a toilet roll, which incidentally seemed to be made up of sandpaper, I gingerly placed the last icky piece into the toilet paper bin. No flushing paper here. As the bin was filled to the brim I had to really push this little ball of muck down to stop it rolling onto the floor. This had the risk of me getting a smear of poo on my hand, but luckily that didn’t happen!

As I was about to pull my pants back up and head back to bed my bladder decided it needed to empty out. So I took care of that too. Well I thought I did. Just as my undies came back up and covered everything I was suddenly busting to pee again and barely managed to get my pants down before 4 pitiful little drops came out. What the hell is going on?

I stood there half naked, pants around my knees, next to a bin full of dirty toilet paper, squeezing out 4 drops of pee while a fever ripped its way through my body. I was without a doubt, the most miserable person on the planet. I just wanted my mum to pat me on the head and say everything will  be ok.

20 long minutes later I staggered back to bed and lay down just as the next lot of cramps and pains started up in my tummy, signally the need to scurry back to the toilet and repeat the whole thing over and over and over again.

That night I made it to a nearby deli where I managed to buy some plain potato chips and some cookies for dinner before racing back to my new ceramic friend.

C – Thankfully, I slept through the whole day, just waking up occasionally to hear running to or from the toilet. I was not interested in food all day, just sipping water each time I woke. I think I managed to stay awake from 6pm through to 8.30pm before it was time to drift back into the land of sleep.

T – Hopefully I feel better tomorrow and we can go to Antigua.

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2 thoughts on “Warning : this post contains graphic bathroom descriptions. You have been warned!

  1. Dna

    All u need now is one of those pink drinks from phuket… getting the cold sweats just thinking about it….

    • tncpowell

      YUK! Never will we drink one of those again after your experience!

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